Journalling Page!

14 Dec 2023, Random thought:

Discord light mode looks like someone reversed the colours on my laptop...

12 Sept 2024:

So, I finally continued this little project. While I was making this site I was very much influenced by old internet culture and spacehey. Well, old internet culture is still a big part of my personality, but spacehey not so much anymore. The site has lost its nostalgic charm for me. Too many children who start online drama on that site. Dunno, it seems like nobody there is really interested in anything that isn't drama.

Because my brain needs some respite from the non-stop studying I'm currently doing and mainly because HTML customisation and the general feeling of making the internet your own does not exist in the modern internet, I've revived this little site. I'll try to remember everything I've forgotten about html editing, it's been a long time lol.

My art has also changed significantly, will definetely update my art page on here. I still post to instagram and text friends on there, but the reels I see on my for you page, or rather, their comments, make me depressed. I've decided to cut back my use of algorithm-powered social media for now and this has made me realise that, without the algorithm, we who are used to it are practically lost when browsing the internet. I'm definetely inclined to spend less time on social media because there is no endless flow of videos pulling me back to my screen.

I don't know who I'm writing this journal, or making this website for. My digital footprint concerns me very much and I do not wish to face the declination of a job offer, just because a younger version of myself decided to post their art and random thoughts here.

All I know at this moment is that this journal is a way to get things off my chest, and I'm grateful to have the opportunity to do so.

Je posterai peut-etre quelques entrees en francais ou espagnol, juste parce que ce site est un espace pour moi et mes idees et parfois je ne peux pas m'exprimer en anglais. (okay. y a pas d'accents sur neocities.. compris)

19 Sept 2024:

Je crois que je suis confuse. Je fais n'importe quoi pour interpreter les signes qui me donnent les gens. Je voudrais bien faire partie d'une amitie tres proche, avec des personnes qui me comprennent, qui sont comme moi. Le seul probleme est le fait que je n'ai aucune personalite. Je m'adapte toujours. Et en fait, je me sens seule. Toutes les personnes autour de moi sont amoureuses, ou en couple, et je ne sais pas si je suis jalouse, parce que l'affection me manque tellement, ou si c'est juste la pression de la societe. Du coup, si je m'imagine en couple je me sens bizarre et inconfortable. Je crois que c'est l'affection amicale qui me manque.

25 Sept 2024:

I forgot how genuinely and utterly stressful oral exams are. Needless to say, I had a bit of a mental breakdown this week because of an oral exam. LOL. I ordered a 2001 iMac g3 from a vintage shop that actually delivered to where I live. Going to try and get it on the internet, which will probably require an extra browser, because these old browsers have a lot of security holes and I don't want my mac to be laden with viruses. Would be really cool if I got to write all my assignments on there, and update my neocities. Fingers crossed. I need to find a way to concentrate better. I paid 3 euros for the premium version of forest and have absolutely loved it, but it takes so long for me to actually bring myself to get started. Perhaps I'm just burnt out- only a few weeks ago I was genuinely willingly ready to work, but now I feel like throwing my further education away (which I won't do- I know that this is not a permanent state of mind and I will get through this). I just don't understand why we have to prove to people that we possess certain skills. You may be excellent in exams but terrible at real-life application of the topic you have studied. I am scared of real-life application. The pressure of growing up in a system where both the way you act in class and every single exam you ever took determined the outcome of our final grade has raised me to fear exam conditions. Is that really the path that people in the education sector have chosen for future generations ? Is this really beneficial to society as a whole ? I wouldn't know. I'm just a cog in this giant hellhole of a machine. At this point in my life, my mantra is just power through it until you have made it.

My iMac is arriving either end of this week (which is very soon) or next week, so hopefully I will be able to run Neocities on it. Might ddo various other shenanigans, I've seen somebody put an incredibly old version of minecraft onto one of these PowerPC processor-powered computers and surprisingly it runs rather smoothly. Not that I'm used to very high-end gaming anyway.

29 Sept 2024

I've tried signing up for BitView and for some reason, whenever I try to send a confirmation email, it doesn't work. The site just ends up timing out. There can't be that many people on BitView, right ?

I've tried to make a plan for the weekend so that I can get all my tasks done. Like a timed plan. Didn't work out too well. Today I woke up well after my tasks were supposed to be finished. I don't know, everything is just shitty right now, and I just want to get out of here. The iMac that I ordered still hasn't arrived, but it has been shipped apparently. I'll wait until next week and then I'll start worrying. LOL.